Dating has taken a casual turn in the contemporary era, with heavy-hitting lingos like situationship, nanoship, breadcrumbing, benching and love bombing making the rounds. Contrary to what the romantics might hope for, dating lately is a convoluted mess, anything but straightforward. It’s a whole lot of mixed signals, colours (cue the endless debates around red, green, and beige flags), and chemistry. With casual and non-committal vibes ruling the scene, it’s very common for people to talk to or see multiple people at once. But when dating is exclusive, both individuals mutually agree to see each other only, indicating a shift from casual connection to something more intentional and intimate. But figuring out how to have the ‘Are we exclusive yet?’ conversation has left many at their wits’ end. 

Ravi Mittal, Founder and CEO of dating app QuackQuack, shared with HT Lifestyle how to have the most dreaded conversation. 

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With so many ‘what ifs’ running through your mind about this dreaded conversation, he reminded, “Prepare yourself for all possibilities; what’s the worst that can happen? Your match says they are not on the same page. That doesn’t necessarily mean they want to end things. It only means they need a little more time to get there. Plus, this is your cue to clarify your expectations from the connection.” 

Ravi shared a detailed guide with us, outlining the reasons behind the hesitation and how to approach the conversation:

Reasons behind the hesitation

• Fear ruining the flow: In today’s modern dating, vibes are everything. Everything is going fine- chatting, memes are flowing, your flirting game is on point, humour is off the charts, but then suddenly, ‘What are we?’ conversation comes up. We all fear ruining a good connection with the heavy stuff.
• Fear of rejection: What if you ask if they are ready to go exclusive, and they say it isn’t time yet? It gets awkward to the point where ghosting seems like a better option than facing them the next day.
• Paradox of choices: Dating apps are considered the best because they offer plenty of options, but, like all good things, this, too, has its downsides. There’s always a whisper of ‘What if there’s someone better?’ It keeps at least 2 out of 8 people from committing to their match at the right time.

How to approach the conversation?

1. Ask yourself a few simple questions

• Do you feel connected to this person? Are you emotionally invested in them? Does this match feel different from others? Are you ready for commitment?
• The motivation behind discussing heavy things like exclusivity matters more than we think. Once you have clarity on that, it will help you understand if the time is right.

2. Strike at the right moment:

• Once the motivation is sorted, the next step is to find the right timing. It can’t be within one week of chatting, nor can you wait till your six-month anniversary.
• Follow this thumb rule: once you have been consistently dating for over a month, combined with mutual feelings, or at least when the energy feels reciprocal. For instance, you have shared socials and phone numbers and already discussed family problems; it means you are halfway there. Just shoot the question and see where it goes.

3. Casual but clear intention:

• When you finally discuss the matter, the tone cannot be either too serious or too dramatic, nor can it be extra casual. Just bring it up the way you’d ask if they think ‘veg biriyani should be considered real biriyani or not.’ 
• Create a fun curiosity instead of pressure. Begin with a positive comment on the connection, like, “I really enjoy getting to know you. Can’t believe we’ve been chatting for almost 2 months now.” And only then bring up the topic with something like, “It feels like the right time to discuss where this is going,” instead of directly asking, “So, where do you think this is going?” 
• The goal is to open the floor for a discussion and not make it sound like an ultimatum.